Aug 3

tn_Photo on 2011-09-29 at 09.08Every year on my birthday I do a reflective entry.  In it, I think about the various aspects of my life – health, marriage, parenthood, work, finances, etc – and I simply check in with myself on how I’m doing in each area.  I didn’t do that this year.  The first half of 2011 was a blackout period for me, spurred on by the death of my father.  I’m going to do that assessment at some point, but I can tell you right now that there is something that’s under my skin.  It really bothers me that at 40 I’m not an expert at anything.  I’m pretty good at a lot of things, but there is no one thing that I am extraordinary at.  I’m just a solid ‘b’ and for some reason that thought is harassing me right now.  Examples?  Sure –

tn_reportcard_B_MinusI’ve written some good things and would call myself a fairly decent writer.  But I’m not a great writer.  Furthermore, I’m not writing now, at least not creatively.

tn_reportcard_B_plusI’m good at my work, too…political work.  And it’s been good to me.  But I just do enough to get by.  Fortunately my idea of ‘getting by’ has a fairly high bar so I’ve done well…but I could do better.  The truth is that I don’t really feel like going much further than I am.

tn_reportcard_BI’m a good guitar player.  Used to be better.  Had I practiced religiously from when I started to now, I’d be incredible.  But I’m not.  I’m just pretty good.

tn_reportcard_B_plusI’m not even an excellent dad or husband.  Sure I’m good, but I’m not great.  I can identify dozens of things I could do better.

tn_reportcard_BI’ve got pretty good insight, something I learned as I matured in life and when I was trained to be a social worker.  But I’m no clinician.  Could have been.  Now I’m just insightful, smart, sometimes overly critical of situations and people.

tn_2011-08-01_17-18-17_108Maybe being a ‘b’ wouldn’t bother a lot of people, but it bothers me.  The important subtext is that no one is in charge of moving me up the grading scale except me…

Oh yeah. now I’m a half-assed biker too.  Forgot.

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