It’s amazing, really, that I haven’t had more delays this year. I’ve been flying just about every week. But alas, that is what has happened today. Oh well. Meetings are delayed. Nothing I can do about it. At least I can sit here and get updated on important world news while I eat lunch. ‘The Situation’ is getting his own show. Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga are in a struggle over who will get a billion youtube hits first.
I’m feeling a little strange this week. Granted, this is my busy season and I have been swamped. Rhonda has been great, managing her call schedule in a way that works for me and making sure we have sufficient baby sitters for both of us to be able to get our work done. It’s been incredibly helpful not just for work, but for my mental health. When I’m feeling bad or overtaxed with work and family and I just can’t get everything done, I get a little nuts. But that hasn’t been happening. I’ve been getting work done and compartmentalizing my time (for the most part) so my kids aren’t feeling neglected.
Still, I’m feeling distant from my wife. I can’t really put my finger on it. Of course I feel like she’s distanced herself from me. In my head I become resentful and then push away myself, feeling justified in doing so. And it’s very possible that she is distancing herself. Maybe not on purpose. Maybe because she’s too busy taking care of everything in our house or thinking about her dad or trying to be a doctor. I know that it’s possible that it’s me (too). It’s possible that I have some level of guilt about working so much. And I think there is another possibility too. Work causes me a lot of stress. I’m anxious all the time. I dream about it. I can’t relax. I really do look to my wife to be a calming agent. There are times when she just grabs me and hugs me or takes extra care of me… rubs my head, whatever. I need that more right now and I’m not always good about asking. Sometimes I just want her to take over and take care of me. So maybe its me being needy.
We’re coming up on the one year anniversary (is that the right word?) of starting marriage counseling. It’s good. I am catching the impulses to say or do something before they run wild and cause me problems lot quicker than I ever did before (if I ever did, that is). I think over what Rhonda’s reaction might be to what I say…and sometimes I change the words. Sometimes I don’t say anything. That’s progress. I’m not sure how she’s processing her own role in our marriage…i.e. whether she proactively thinks about what she’s saying or doing and makes changes. We just haven’t had much time for those discussions I guess.
I know the death of her dad is sinking in deeper than it was a few weeks ago, when the immediacy of the arrangements dominated so much time and energy. Now it’s over. Now she’s thinking about him being gone. Forever. She’s having dreams and she cries a lot. People ask if she’s handling it well. I don’t know what that means. To me, handling it poorly would be not handling it, not crying, not writing about it, not thinking about him and the leftover empty place that’s echoing in her heart now. I don’t push. I wait, knowing my first role is to listen. She’ll tell me what she needs from me.
Mexican drug cartels killing more people on the border. That’s what’s on the news now. An important part of my entry should be logging that my email server for work has melted down. Otherwise, I’d never feel like tapping out a journal entry is a good use of time right now. But the forces are against me. Delayed flight, no email. All I can do is sit here and be. The more I think about it, maybe the forces are actually with me.