Jul 5

There is a lot on my mind and it made sense to me to pull in to Rock Bottom, have a beer and try and summarize a few things orbiting around my head.  Its 3:30 on the Monday after the 4th of July which was, predictably, low key.  Not a big deal though.  After a weekend in Vegas, a week in Mexico and then golfing on the first day back… low key is ok.

I just left the office feeling like I’m ready to dive back into it all (work).  There isn’t much I hate more than walking into a work week blind, then needing a work day to catch up on where I am.  I’d much rather spend the last day of vacation getting prepared, so that’s what I did today.  These days, that’s what I have to do to even keep up.  Truthfully, I feel a little deficient with work, which isn’t uncommon; I never feel like I’m on top of things.  But then things always work out well, so there goes the motivation to change.  I think the reality is that I am on top of things, but I never feel that way.  Probably good for me in a way; I am always striving to make things better, etc.

Though it feels like the month of madness is coming to an end, the truth is that I still have a few days left.  Rhonda flies out tonight at 7, back to Ohio.  My mom leaves for Italy.  I’ve got a few work things to take care of this week then, sometime before the weekend, the girls and I have to make the cross-country journey back in the direction that we came.  18 hours on the road to be back for a wedding reception on Saturday.  And now that I think about it, I’m in Washington D.C. for most of next week.  Maybe the month of madness isn’t coming to an end after all.  Maybe this month of madness is just coming to an end.

Hard to believe I haven’t slept in my bed in 6 weeks.  And more than that, I’ve slept in about 10 different beds that I can count.  I can’t say that it hasn’t been fun though.  I also can’t say I’m ready to get back to the Buckeye State.  In fact, I’m expecting a meltdown of epic proportions.  That’s what usually happens when I spend time somewhere I love and then return to…Ohio.  But since I’m expecting it, I know I’m on the hook for managing it.  No more unbridled blow-ups for me.  If I want to initiate the discussion about leaving Ohio again, I have to do it the right way.

I’ve learned and re-learned a lot this month.  There have been some turning points with my thinking, some with relationships.  I wrap up this extended trip feeling good about where I am, about where Rhonda and I are.  I feel better about my relationship with my dad, too, which is a little surprising.  And my mom…I feel good about her.  I’m worried about her as it relates to my sister…but for me…all good.  Then Kim…ugh… I don’t know what to do about her.  I don’t even know what to do with this journal entry.  Write about it?  Write about it but don’t post?

Overall good though.  I feel like I’m kicking this grown-up thing in the ass and it feels good to do it.  Before I went to Vegas I went on a shopping spree at Men’s Wearhouse.  I saved $1,200 if that gives any indication of the caliber of shopping spree it was.  No big deal though.  I go on one of those excursions about once every other year and I still wear the clothes today that I bought five years ago.  My mom picked up my suits while I was gone so I got to try them on this morning.  Feels good.  I should probably wear suits a hell of a lot more often than I do.  Part of me resists it from this childish place of wanting my individuality.  Part of me embraces it because I feel like I’ve made it to the adult world.  Funny.

In fact, I am now reminded of a dream I had in my mid-twenties.  I was dating this girl and she was more serious about the relationship than I was.  In the dream I was running.  Actually, we were running…from what I don’t know…from where…no idea.  But I remember being tired.  We were looking for place to sleep.  I don’t know why we had to run.  All the houses we passed were facades.  We’d try their doorknobs then realize that there was nothing behind them.  Finally, one knob turned and the door opened.

Once inside, we found a bedroom on the basement floor and finally settled in for some shut eye.  It never happened though, because the owner of the house busted into our room and demanded to know what we were doing in his house.  Please sir…please. We just want to sleep, we told him.  After some consideration, he said we could stay under one condition – I had to give him the Motley Crue shirt I was wearing.  I woke up in a fever pitch.  Hey now…no way am I ready to give up that part of me

It’s been an interesting month in an interesting period of being me.  Grown-up life is feeling good on me so long as I don’t have to hang other people’s lives on it.  When I pin some of my friends on, then tie in parts of my family, grown-up life wears like a pair of cargo pants with too many things shoved in all the pockets.  But hey…that’s part of it, right?  You don’t grow up or live in a vacuum and really, you couldn’t be a grown-up without being able to reflect off others.  How would you ever know where you were?  If you were ahead or behind the curve?  Making progress?

Just re-read.  Orbiting thoughts is right.

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